The Clown and the Fez
by RabidDog008
Summary: The Eleventh Doctor goes to buy a fez only to meet his past self. This was a quirky little idea I had a few months ago. I made a quicky little artwork of it and posted it to deviantArt. Here's my original idea in story form, following on from the mini episode "Death is the Only Answer."


Once the Doctor dropped Albert Einstein back to his own time period he shortly found himself in the middle or another adventure with River Song. After they sorted out a disagreement between a Judoon and a Raxacoricofallapatorian, the red fez the Doctor had found buried in his wardrobe was yet again torn from his head and obliterated in the Judoon's ship exhaust port. Parting ways with River at Stormcage, the Doctor travelled to Trevallion Markets on 34th Century Earth to yet again purchase his favourite red headwear.

Stepping out through the blue doors he was greeted by the sight of the crowded marketplace, a multitude of cultures and species mingling harmoniously, at least to purchase whatever it was they came to place for. He shut the TARDIS and proceeded down the narrow alley of stalls and stands, past roasting chickens and rotisserie space weevil, a wide grin spreading across his face. He had been to many market places in his life, alien and not, but Trevallion reminded him of Shan Shen, but with as many distinct species as Tiaanamat. He'd have to go back there one day, maybe with the Ponds…

Soon the Doctor stumbled upon a store selling ancient clothing from as recent as 14 centuries ago. The walls were lined a wide variety, from thermochromic t-shirts to a very familiar looking RAF captain's coat. The stocky purple skinned alien with a face shaped like a skull working behind the register demonstrated how to fit a green bowtie, behind him on a hat rack among an orange deerstalker and pointed wizard's cap sat a majestic red fez. Two minutes after digging through his pockets to find the right amount of Yen, the fez found itself comfortably perched atop the Doctor's head. Now it was time to browse.

Time escaped him as the minutes or hours flew past as the Doctor travelled from store to store, trying foods and observing artefacts. He was observing a model of a swan made from gold forks when the weight of the fez left his head. Doctor's eyes bulged as the dropped the swan onto the table and spun on his heel to see a short man in black walk into the crowd, fixing the fez in place. "Oi!" he cried as he darted after the man.

Doctor slipped through the crowd to catch up with the fez thief. He didn't have to run for long as the short man leapt behind a postcard stand. The Doctor marched toward the thief, the uneasy feeling of déjà vu creeping on him as he did. "I think you'll find that fez is mine!" He said as he tapped the man on the shoulder.

"Yes, quiet you fool! You'll give me away!" the man said, waving his hand to dismiss the Doctor.

The Doctor peered around into the crowd. "Covert operations, all good and well but I just bought that fez and I'm not going to lose another one!" he grabbed the man and spun him around.

The two looked at each other, their stern expressions turned to shock in sync. The déjà vu made sense to the Doctor now, it wasn't just that confusing feeling where the mind gets muddled with a confusion of memories, he had done this before. The man was him. Rumpled black hair, clownishly large pants and a bowtie similar to his own.

"Ah, hello again," the Doctor smiled.

The Second Doctor's blue eyes studied the current Doctor, "You're me!" he cried.

"Yes, and I'm you," the Doctor's smile cracked into a grin.

"What are you doing here then?" the Second Doctor asked, pulling the fez off his head.

"I was here to buy that fez you have right there," he held his hands together, "I must be getting old, what are you here for?"

"Tailing a man most foul," said the Second Doctor, looking around the postcard stand to scan the crowd, "You had better let me go before I lose him further!"

"Not a worry, he'll stand by the fried cicada stand for a few more minutes now," the Doctor checked his wrist watch and pointed to the robed man who could be seen through the crowd.

"You're quite sure are you?" Second Doctor asked, placing the fez back on his head.

"I'm beginning to remember all this conversation now," the Doctor clapped his hands back together, "Oi, you called me a fool, you're the one to talk! You, the clown!"

"Better than the dandy idiot and you, the Time Lord giraffe!"

"At least I can reach the top shelf of the TARDIS wardrobe without needing a step ladder!" the Doctor snapped back. The two Doctors glared at each other before laughing. "How old are you now?" he asked.

"You should know," replied the Second, "how about you? Your age?"

"Spoilers," The Second Doctor frowned, not understanding what he meant, "It's best not to know too much about your future."

The Second Doctor nodded, "I suppose that's a good point," he looked around the postcard rack. The man he was following had vanished. "You fool! He's escaped!" he rushed out, the Doctor on his heels.

The Doctor withdrew his sonic screwdriver, waving it around to try and pick up a signal where the robed man had stood. "What on earth is that?" the Second Doctor asked, eyeing the glowing green and whirring device.

"Sonic screwdriver," the Doctor said as he gave it a flick, springing the claws open. The looked over the readings and looked through the crowd, trying to remember what had happened in this situation all those years ago. A whirring noise and a metal click snapped him away from his thoughts, and he looked down the see the Second Doctor with his own sonic, the Doctor's closed up. The Doctor raised his screwdriver to scan again but nothing happened. He frowned and spun to face the Second Doctor.

"What have you done?" he asked.

"Will you stop being so foolish?" the Second Doctor said and his slid his own screwdriver back into his pocket.

"My screwdriver, it's locked! You locked my screwdriver! Why the hell did you do that?" the Doctor was quickly agitated.

"Do you know how foolish you look waving that thing around the place?" the Second Doctor folded his arms.

"I was scanning the area, I was trying to help!" the Doctor shouted, "Unlock it!"

Grudgingly the Second Doctor did so. It sprung open yet again and gave two beeps. Closing and pocketing it the Doctor straightened his bowtie and pointed with his left arm into the crowd, "he went that way, if you hurry, you'll get him before he gets to Patherlex."

"Thank you kindly," the Second Doctor turned to leave before hesitating and handing the fez back to the Doctor, "I suppose you'll want this back."

The Doctor grabbed the fez and is he did the memories came flooding back. This whole day as his second incarnation played out in vivid detail; chasing the enemy through the markets, swiping the fez off his future self's head and putting an end to Patherlex's scheme, all while wearing the fez. He remembered catching the ferry from the docks outside the market to the small lighthouse island where he had parked the TARDIS. Entering the TARDIS he ventured to the wardrobe, placing the fez on a hat stand by the door. It sat there for many years before his seventh incarnation piled it and many other hats into a large leather chest, before it was found and removed…only hours before. The Doctor took the fez from the chest, stumbled over the stairs running up to the TARDIS console, the fez warped away and reappeared seconds later on Albert Einstein's head as he too stumbled into the console room. The fez stayed on his head as he met River and only left it to be removed and destroyed by the Judoon ship's exhaust…

It was the same fez. The fez the Doctor had bought a short while ago for 5000 yen had sat in the TARDIS for several hundred years only to be destroyed an hour before he had bought it. The realisation left an empty feeling in the Doctor's chest as he knew what he had to do.

He passed the fez back to the Second Doctor, "Actually, you take it. It's better that way."

The Second Doctor nodded, "Until the next time then. Goodbye Doctor."

"Goodbye Doctor," he half smiled as the Second Doctor walked into the bustling crowd. The Doctor stood in the middle of the lane sadly holding his hands together before feeling the top of his head. He reached deep into his back pocket and withdrew and handful of money, and joyous smile spread across his face. "I can buy a fez," he said, turning on his heel to walk back to the clothing store. This time he'll be sure to get the most out of it.


End file.
